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  Leave it All Behind (S.I.N. Rock Star Trilogy)

  Copyright © 2018 S.R. Watson & Shawn Dawson

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademark status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction. The publication of these trademarks is not associated with or sponsored by the trademark owner.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without the express written permission of the author.

  Cover Design: Sommer Stein of Perfect Pear Creative Covers

  Editor: Jenny Sims Editing4indies

  Photographer: Allan Spiers

  Formatter: Stacey Blake of Champagne Book Design

  Cover Model: Shawn Dawson

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Leave it All Behind

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Epilogue

  Other Books by S.R. Watson

  Acknowledgements

  About the Authors

  Leave it All Behind

  Original Song Lyrics by Diesel

  I keep telling myself it’s the last time

  Each time it proves to be a lie

  The darkness pulls me deeper into the shadows

  It won’t let me see the light.

  It’s a never ending battle that I can’t seem to win,

  Maybe one day I’ll defeat the devil...

  the monster that lives within.

  I want to leave it all behind

  I want to leave it all behind

  I want to leave it all behind

  Take back control... Make my escape from these demons I face.

  This is my warning to you.

  This is your chance to be free.

  Don’t give into the hunger I crave

  because I can’t be sated.

  I want to leave it all behind

  I want to leave it all behind

  I want to leave it all behind

  You’re my weakness, this is clear to see

  I try to hide the demons from you that live inside of me

  You’re getting too close to finding out my secret

  And now I have to let you go, so that you may never know

  Take back control... Make my escape from these demons I face.

  This is my warning to you.

  This is your chance to be free.

  Don’t give into the hunger I crave

  because I can’t be sated.

  I want to leave it all behind

  I want to leave it all behind

  I want to leave it all behind

  The silence on the bus is deafening. Sobs wrack my body even as I struggle to control them because all eyes are on me. Diesel just dropped a bomb, leaving self-destruction in his wake. Sevyn walks out of the bedroom, and I wonder what set this chaos in motion. My eyes meet his briefly, then I’m delivered yet another verbal blow. This time from Xander, but it was just as unexpected.

  “How long has this been fucking going on, Lourdes?” he booms. He is usually even-keeled and hard to rile up, so seeing this side of him is new. I did this, and I don’t know what to say.

  “Xander, I’m sorry. We wanted to tell you. Just—” I begin, but he cuts me off.

  “Save me the fucking excuses. How long, goddammit?” I cringe at his sharpness. Renewed tears follow the dried path of the old ones. “Save the damn waterworks too. I want answers … now!” To say he is livid is an understatement.

  “Well, it started at the lake house—” I try to explain, but he cuts me off yet again.

  “Just as I thought. You’ve had plenty of time to come clean. Here I am, thinking that you wanted an opportunity of a lifetime when, in actuality, you’re just another groupie. Another easy mark ready to spread her legs for a chance to ride his notorious dick. That’s right. I said notorious because he is known to fuck around. Hell, just the number of the women he’s been with on this tour alone. Did that not matter to you?” He shakes his head in disgust.

  That reprieve is short-lived, though, because his rant continues. “How could you do this to us, Lourdes? To me? Do you realize that you have single-handedly dismantled our fucking group because you couldn’t keep your skank ass legs closed? I trusted you. Yes, Diesel played a part in this, but you’re family. At least you were until you shit on my dreams. God, I can’t even stand to look at you.”

  “Xander, stop!” I hear Lily and Gable shout simultaneously, but it’s too late. His words inflict their intended effect. I can recall only one other time that I’ve felt like I do at this very moment. His vile words pierce the armor I’ve worked so hard to construct. The words that Thomas would spew were often worse than the rape itself. He made sure to tell me what a slut I was and that he could tell I wanted it.

  “No, it’s okay. He’s right. I’m a slut, and I deserve his wrath. I’ll get my shit and leave.” I watch as Xander shudders, but he doesn’t try to stop me. His hate for me is evident, and he wants me gone.

  Keyser pulls him aside, but I can’t hear what he says.

  “She didn’t act alone. How can you put all of this on her?” Lily yells as she pokes him in the shoulder.

  “The band was a solid unit before she came aboard, that’s why. I foolishly wanted her to have an opportunity of a lifetime. I wanted her to be a part of our rise to fame, and instead, she will be the fucking source of our downfall. She betrayed me,” he accuses harshly. His voice is an octave or two lower, but the bite is still very much present.

  “That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Lily huffs. I walk over and grab her hand to pull her away. I don’t need another fight on my conscience.

  “I’m so sorry, Lourdes. That was unfair. I’ve never seen him like this,” Lily says once we’re out of Xander’s earshot. “This will blow over, and he’ll regret saying all those mean things to you.” We both watch as Xander storms off the bus.

  “No, Lil. He’s right. Me spreading my skank ass legs is what caused all this. I mean, who can blame Diesel for any of this? He is, after all, a guy, and it’s normal behavior for a guy to fuck around. I should have thought about the repercussions of my actions on the band and acted accordingly for the both of us. We both knew the consequences, which is why we kept it a secret. Still, I should have been the one to say no, right?”

  My question is rhetorical. Regardless of Xander’s harsh delivery, I’m to blame. Take me out of the equation, and none of this would be happening.

  “This is not all on you, Lourdes,” Sevyn says, finally speaking up. I forgot he was even still here. “None of the things your brother said is true either, and he knows it. He just feels betrayed right now. Give him time to calm down.”

  “Exactly.” Lily nods. Gable walks up and pats me on the shoulder before he and Keyser exit the bus, I’m guessing to go look for Xander.

  “I think I can help fix this,” Sevyn offers. I don’t know what he can do to fix this
mess, but it’s all too much.

  Diesel and Xander’s words replay in my head, and I just need to get the fuck off this bus too. On shaky legs, I make a run for it. I’m already through the door before I hear Lily call after me. Once my feet hit the pavement, I gain momentum. I let the fear, hurt, and anger propel me forward. I don’t even know where I’m going. I don’t have any money or any identification since I just left what little I do own on the bus. Luckily, my phone was in my pocket, but I refuse to call Brooke. I don’t need to bring anyone else into this mess or have another set of eyes looking at me with pity.

  After running several blocks, my legs betray me, so I slow to a walk and then come to a complete stop in front of a bus stop. My lungs burn with each breath I inhale. I heave, bending over at the waist. As I look around, I have no idea where I am, but the haunted gray skies and petrichor are a pretty accurate depiction of my melancholic mood. My world is collapsing on itself, and the trickling domino effect has been set in motion. The thought of shattered dreams, broken friendships, and irreversible lost suffocates me. I can’t breathe. A few drops of rain splatter across my back, but I can’t will myself to move. I see a Starbucks across the street where I can take shelter, but that would require my spent body to cooperate and this darkening haze to recede. I lean against a bench mere inches in front of me. When someone grabs my shoulder unexpectedly, my fight or flight response gives me just enough energy to jerk away from the stranger’s grip, a scream catching in my throat. Luckily, it’s Sevyn. He grabs me by the waist and covers my mouth.

  “Shhh. It’s me,” he says, before releasing his hold. “You know you really should be more aware of your surroundings. I’ve been running a few paces behind you this entire time.”

  “You scared the living shit out of me. Why the hell are you following me anyway?” I huff, still trying to fill my lungs with air. “I need to sit. I feel dizzy.”

  “Well, apparently it’s a good thing I did since you were so oblivious to everything around you.” The rain droplets turn in to a downpour. “We need to get you out of this rain.” Without hesitation, he swoops me into his arms and begins a slow jog toward the Starbucks. I’m too tired to fight. We’ll wait out the downpour, but I know that the shitstorm I sprinted away from will still be waiting when I return.

  The guys have a show tomorrow night, but everything is a mess. Diesel has yet to return, Lily and Xander are fighting because of me, and I’m hiding out in the master bedroom. I let Sevyn convince me to come back to the bus, but now that I’m back, I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. Everything has changed. I don’t even know if there will be a band to write about now. I look over at Lily curled up in the chair next to the bed. Her face is mere inches from her history textbook, but I doubt she sees any of the words on the page. The sullen look on her face pains me because it’s all my fault. I need to fix this mess, and maybe I can begin with her. I walk over and take a seat on the ottoman before pulling her legs into my lap.

  “I hate that you’re fighting with my brother,” I begin. The word brother is strained as it comes out. If it were up to him, I’m sure he’d no longer see us as family. “This is between him and me—”

  “He’s being ridiculous. Well, I told him he was a jackass … Those were my exact words. When he returned and found out that you had left, he still refused to see reason. His disregard for your feelings and Diesel’s part in this infuriates me.” She slams the book onto her lap, knitting her eyebrows in frustration. “He yelled at me to stay out of it. He’s not willing to see how unreasonable he’s being. How can he look at you as some groupie who ruined his dreams? I barely know you, and I can see that you don’t give your heart easily.”

  “You also know my history, Lily. He doesn’t. He has every right to be pissed at me. His words were more than a little harsh, but considering I may have just ruined any shot for those guys, I deserve it.”

  “Nobody deserves that. The name-calling was totally uncalled for. Is this what our future holds? Is this the behavior he’ll resort to when I upset him? I’m rethinking even being on this bus.”

  “No! Stay. Give things between you two time to simmer down and then find a way to talk. Don’t let our fight be your fight. He loves you and will need you more than ever to get through this band crisis.”

  She doesn’t respond to my plea, but I can see her shoulders drop as the tension dissipates from her body.

  “Where is he?” A loud familiar voice cuts through the silence on the other side of the door. It’s Desiree, and I don’t need to see her to know she’s fuming. Between the twin scandal unleashed on television, the fight, and Diesel’s disappearing act, I can’t say I’m at all surprised by her arrival.

  “He hasn’t come back,” I hear Keyser speak up. “But we have a plan. Sevyn is going to perform with us tonight.”

  I don’t realize I’ve gotten up and put my ear to the door until I feel Lily’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Are you fucking insane? This is my ass on the line here. I went out on a limb for you guys with the label.”

  “He’s just as talented as Diesel is. He can he even hit a few notes that Diesel can’t. It’s not a permanent solution … just one until we can sort this mess out,” Gable offers.

  Xander has yet to weigh in on the conversation. I don’t even know if he’s still on the bus.

  “I volunteered to help, ma’am. The media is slaughtering my brother and me over our plans to take over my father’s company. I think proceeding with the tour will show that we’re not as affected as some are hoping.”

  Desiree mumbles something unintelligible.

  “It’s not the best scenario, but it’s the best one we’ve got for now,” Gable insists.

  “I need to hear him sing. I can’t put my reputation on the line for a subpar substitution because he and Diesel share a face. I’d rather cancel tonight’s show and deal with the fallout than jeopardize all that I’ve worked for.”

  Silence falls on the other side of the bus once again. I’m waiting for Sevyn to show her what he’s got, but it’s in vain.

  “This isn’t an audition, doll. I volunteered to help, but I’m not gonna jump through hoops to prove I’m worthy. You decide.”

  “Gah. You’re definitely cocky like your brother … whatever. You better not make the guys look bad. You get one shot at this.”

  “To the contrary—”

  “Let’s find the nearest studio and get some practice in,” I hear Gable suggest, cutting Sevyn off. “We’re going to be better than good.”

  “What’s wrong with a rehearsal on the bus?” Xander finally speaks up.

  “Just think it’ll do us all some good to get off this bus for a while on neutral ground.”

  Xander grumbles but doesn’t fight him on the idea. I pull my ear from the door and head to the bathroom for a shower. I don’t know if Lily plans to follow them out, but the farther Xander and I stay away from each other, the better.

  I undress and step into the shower, letting the hot water massage away the tension in my muscles. My prune-like fingers remind me I’ve been under the now cool stream longer than I realized. Sure that everyone is gone by now, I wrap a towel around me and head back into the bedroom, but find Xander sitting in the chair Lily had occupied earlier. I try to head back to the bathroom, but he stops me with one word—literally.

  “Stop.”

  I freeze, but my back is to him. I refuse to see the hate in the depths of his eyes. His voice alone is telling.

  “What’s up?” I ask coolly although I’m anything but.

  “Look,” he begins. “The mess you’ve caused is unforgivable, but I’m not willing to throw away what I have with Lily on top of it all.” He lets out a frustrating breath before he continues. “She is threatening to leave the bus, saying she is disappointed with how I handled things with you—someone I love.”

  “Give me a couple of days to find a place to go, and I’ll be out of your hair. I won’t go back to the dorms to try to stay with
Brooke. It’s not allowed.”

  “Absolutely not. You made your bed, and now you get to lay in it. If you leave, Lily will be right behind you. She only agreed to stay because another female was on the bus. You owe me at least that. Don’t fuck up my relationship too!”

  “So I’m just supposed to stay on this bus, knowing you hate me?”

  “I can be civil for Lily’s sake. And if Diesel comes back, I don’t give a shit what the two of you do. It’s no longer my problem. Just stay out of my way, capisce?”

  “Fine,” I utter, but he is already walking out the door. He didn’t try to refute he hated me—he’s just willing to be civil—which just shows how weak that bond truly was. I pull my duffle bag off the floor to search for something to put on, willing these stupid tears not to fall for the hundredth time. I manage to slip on joggers and a T-shirt before Lily barges in. I climb into bed, not really wanting the company. I have to put my pretend face on, though, hoping she doesn’t see through my agony. Aside from my mom and Brooke, Xander was my family.

  “Xander told me you guys worked things out,” Lily stated hopefully.

  “Yeah. He apologized and agreed to let me live my life how I see fit. He just wants the best for me.” The lies that roll off my tongue so easily surprises even me. She eyes me suspiciously, looking for any indication I’m being less than honest.

  “That’s good. I had hoped he’d come around.” She climbs onto the bed to sit a few feet from me. “Why the somebody kicked my puppy look then?”

  “It’s Diesel. I don’t know what he and Sevyn talked about, but he’s somewhere out there all alone dealing with this on his own.” Okay, so this admission is partly true, at least.

  “Oh, I know what you mean. I don’t know either, but I hope he comes back soon. And then from your conversation with Xander, it sounds like he’ll no longer be an obstacle for you two.”

  “Yeah. That is if he’s even still interested in having anything with me. He made it sound like I was part of the problem.”